October 2nd, 2004
Today....my bros party was okay, they were really loud and annoying, but Sharks Tale was really good. Really funny. Thats like it. Jordan was on my old account and I told him that I never got the email, he said oh and blocked me again. God. I wanted to go over to his house and talk to him, but I thought it would be weird, since I never really do.
September 30th, 2004
I'm so tired and cold. Grr. So Sam told me to act happier today. Dont know how thats gonna work, unless I fake it. Which would be lying to myself. I'd rather be upset and fix my problems then pretend not to be upset and become more upset cause I through it off to the side for a while. When you throw something to the side, it comes back and hits you harder then you put it to the side.
No word from coaches yet. Dont know if he got fired or not.
Oh man my dad just snuck up on me. Almost read it. I got so scared. Good thing I had another program opeened. He might have read some of it. Hopfully just the hockey part.
God I'm scared.
September 29th, 2004
Today...sucked. The whole day was boring. Lunch was boring. Gym sucked. After school sucked. Everything sucked. I talked to Sam about a whole bunch of stuff. I told her how she and Steph make me feel like a third wheel and that I shouldnt be hanging out with them any more. And a bunch of other stuff. But that would be it. I copied the Used new cd for Sam. Watched RFR and painted my nails again. I did them some reddy colour this time. I wonder whos going to the dance tomorrow. Lindsays not, after she said she was. Laurens not, Sams not. I dont know whos going, Steph said she might be, but I need her to come on msn to ask. I'm to lazy to call her, besides her and her sister sound exactly the same on the phone so I feel like an idiot when I ask for her when shes already there. Anyways, I'll probably just wait till tomorrow. Dont really see the point in going any more.
Hopfully my coach gets fired tonight. It would be so grandful. I'd be very happy.
Grr. Tomorrow I have to do an english presentation for our paradys and I really dont want to do it. We're 4th but still. That means we'll have to go tomorrow unless something major comes up, which wont cause its milton.
God I'm so tired and upset tonight.
Sam told me to just smile and try to laugh at stuff, and not to be upset at school and thats probably why people dont pay attention to me. She was making fun of me and not even realizing it, she started talking about how people who are depressed end up having no friends and all this stuff. I'm like thanks.
Anywho. Dont know whats going on tomorrow at all now. I know I have to sign up for my stupid Wilderness North. But apparently we get to pick are whole group now. So now I have to discuss groups again. I was gonna go with Sarah Armes if we could only pick one, but other then that I dont know. I want to be with Steph, and Lindsay. But Stephs with Sam, who wants to be with Melanie and Anne, and I know I'd feel left out, more so then I already do. But Sam would probably ignore Steph cause she has Mel, so who knows. Stupid school trips. to complicated.
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Failure by designer jeans-from first to last
September 26th, 2004
Today was okay. Went to youth group again :S I dont really like it, I dont fit in with any of the people there. But oh well. I'm learning stuff I didnt think you learned in church. Like actual junk I need and like to know about. Anyways...um..bored for a bit then dad took me and my bro to Walmart to get him an Xbox game..the new ones okay, its much much cleaner though. That may change. It was weird cause the parking lots full yet theres like no one in there. hm.... I got bored so I did all my english, so my english thats due on Thursday is done, other then the emo kid story, Claire we have to start that. Thats it. I'm watching Roscoe at 7 and then probably going on the computer again. Its funny. I dont actually talk to a lot of people any more, I just sit here doing nothing listening to my music. hm...So I've decided I'm quitting...hockey. If the league doesnt say anything useful to Ryanns dad tomorrow I'm out. I'm gonna play houseleague or something else. I'm gonna see if Ry and I can get tied to a team. If I do quit I'm gonna maybe get a job. I wont work a lot though. Just enough to get some money for now.
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: I'm a fake-the used
September 25th, 2004
hmm....so okay...the fair was great...saw tons of people...there was so many druggies there. It was fun. Dean is so sweet, and hes pretty hot to. But he likes Liz Clarke and I think she likes him to. Anyways there was this really hot guy running some ride but then I saw him take a smoke, which turned me right off of him. Lots of other stuff happen at the fair but to lazy to type it all out.
Hockey was interesting. Ryann got kicked of the team cause she cant go on the xmas tourni cause her family had other plans planned a long time ago. She got really upset, Laura started yelling at him for doing that and stuck up for her, but he didnt care at all. The rest of the practice was boring and lazy, no one wanted to do anything after what had happened.
I want to quite the team now. But I know that I'll miss the game and the people if I do. So I probably wont unless Iosue does or Brit. Everyones leaving. God.
So thats it, my sisters having a sleepover tonight and shes coming to youth group with us tomorrow.
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: headfirst for halos-my chemical romance
So yesterday....well school sucked, gotta ride back with Jess A and her mom from Subway so I didnt have to walk...Steph was being mean...shes obsessed with wanting to do weed now, she was going to last night, dont know if she ever did though. Laurens was great. we did tons of stuff. To lazy to explain. My bed set finally arrived so I was doing that all day, and now I am off to the fair, not for long cause my stupid gay hockey coach booked a practice tonight. I found out this morning. I didnt even get 12 hours notice about this. Its so gay. I had plans and now I can still do them but only half cause of it. Grr. It makes me angry.
September 21st, 2004
School is gay. Whats the point of going for 3 hours anyways. Just make it a full day off. All people do is talk about all their plans with eachother and then there's me. No no one ever thinks about Jess. Jess is the shoulder to cry on but thats about it. God. People need to learn to suck it up. Seriously, wow your going to the mall, its not like its anything special. Stupid gay milton mall. Everyones there right now. I understand that I'm ugly and annoying to be around but when people say your none of those but treat you like you are it makes you feel like crap. I was happy for a while. I was happy in english, I was kinda happy in math, but as soon as gym comes along I want to stab someone. Jordans in my english but that doesnt explain all of it. Steph and Lauren are in my gym and I still hate it and feel like crap over it.
I dont know why I bother trying with some people. Like theres times where they'll treat you great, but other times they'll treat you like your not even there. Why bother talking if no ones going to listen. I walked away from people today cause they were ignoring me and they didnt even notice I was gone. Its funny cause the people I'm not as close with seem to listen better then people I am close with.
School bothers me, espeically when its half days and people are making plans. Oh and I found out today we get to pick some of the people staying in are cabins. Theres like 10 people to a cabin and I'm not sure how many of the people you can pick. But I've chosen my list. There its finished. I dont want to go, theres no point, it doesnt feel like any of my friends are going.
I dont feel as if I'm getting any better. I still cant breathe, my nose is still stuffed up, I get dizzyness, hot and colds plus now I'm getting horrible headaches, earaches and major side pain. As well as my nose feeling like its taking over my eyes and I struggle to keep them open. I'm messed up.
This random lady talked to us about friends today. It was interesting. And when she was talking I was thinking about how crappy a lot of mine are, as nice as they can be sometimes. God.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: A Slow Descent-Straylight Run
September 20th, 2004
Today was actually really good. Why? Its never good. But I did something thats changed my self confidance level completly. Math was really boring, and english was okay. I had a couple chances to talk to Jordan but didnt want to single him out. So I thought of what I was going to say and repeated it in my head over and over so I wouldnt go blank when the chance arrived. I decided to do it between 2nd and 3rd when we were walking to our lockers, well of course he went the opposite way that we usually go, so I followed him and was going to do it, until Nicole came around, so I couldnt. Then I decided I couldnt put it off any longer, so I went to his locker before drama and asked him straight up G. I'm like Jordan do you ever think there'll be anything between us. him: I dont know...maybe. me: What kind of maybe is that, cause I really really like you. him: its a maybe maybe. He smiled. and then was like, well I've got to get to class, but we'll talk after. Then he walked away and I walked away, but he smiled when he said it. Aww he's so cute.
Lunch was kinda crappy, ignored but then I hung out with my gangster friend Nick until we got back to school. Then I found Lauren and chilled with her, and Steph came from the people that were ignoring me, so I was being a bitch to her. Gym was okay, we had to do the one mile run. I did well. 4 Laps around the track, 8 minutes and something... After gym was okay, talked to Steph for a bit.
The bus ride home was good. I caught Jordan staring at me a lot. He's so much cuter now that I've asked him. After we got off the bus Bekah and Jeff were making fun of him and told him he looked like someone from the KKK and that he should go in a black bar and get shot. He looked so sad, I wanted to give him a hug. Hes the hugable time. Some people arent, but he definatly is.
My jaw and upper mouth really hurt today.
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Baby Got Back-Emo Version
I really dont want to go to school today. I still feel really sick, but I guess a little better, but I always do when I wake up.
My moms hopfully getting me another doctor appointment today after school and if not, sometime tomorrow.
So I went to bed early again last night (10;00) and I woke up 20 minutes before my alarm went off.
Blah. I dont feel tired but I still yawning, probably because my lungs arent getting enough air. Oh well. Something I dont seem to care about at the moment.
I did my nails last night, and they're not black. lol. My mom seems to like buying stuff for me more when its not black. My nails are now green, a lot brighter then I excpected, with sparkles(I didnt think the sparkles would show)
Current Mood: blah
September 19th, 2004
Today...I didnt go to hockey, I was to sick.. Last night other then being upset I felt like dying also cause I was so sick. So um...my mom wouldnt let me go. oh well. I went to church this morning, I'm not sure why I went. But I learned a lot of stuff that actually relates to my life. Didnt think it was gonna be the way it was. um...did my english homework and then went to the mall. I got these powderroom shoes, there like Steph Deumers old vans, but powderrooms instead. There browny, I like them, but I cant find a pic of them on the net. Anyways, I got a light pink hoody, and some more earrings. These ones have glow in the dark balls on them. So there basically the same as my other ones, just different colours and glow in the dark.
That would be basically it for my day. Boring. I'm gonna do another journal entry for english tonight. I really should, its due in a week and a half, and I've only done one...out of 6.
I still feel really blah, my mom has concluded it isnt mono, even though I have many of the symptoms. Shes still gonna see if the doctor will give me a test for it just in case. But its probably just asthma with some virus mixed into it.
I am so bored right now, it feels like its a lot later then it actually is. Maybe cause I did alot yet I did nothing today.
Current Music: Start Angry End Mad-Moneen